Projecting a version of yourself to Fit in
For some, masking is a conscious choice. For others, it’s simply existence. If you’ve always done it, you may not notice the mask itself — only the exhaustion it leaves behind.
Masking isn’t weakness. It’s intelligence. But learning when you no longer need it — that’s healing.
Being a chameleon allows you to be adaptable, but it can take energy and you can lose what makes you, you.
What Is Masking?
Masking is most often spoken about in the context of neurodiversity — especially autism and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) — but it also shows up in trauma, anxiety, and everyday life. It’s the instinct to adapt in order to feel safe, accepted, or “invisible enough” to navigate a world that doesn’t always accommodate difference.
Why we mask:
- To avoid judgement or rejection.
- To keep ourselves safe.
- To “fit” into spaces that don’t naturally welcome us.
- To meet expectations that feel impossible to decline.
Masking is often framed as a skill, but it comes with a hidden cost: emotional, mental, and sometimes physical exhaustion.
When Masking Becomes Invisible
Masking isn’t always conscious. If it’s part of how you’ve always lived, you may not see it — you just feel the cost:
- Constant exhaustion after social situations.
- A sense of disconnection from yourself.
- Feeling unseen, even when surrounded by people.
- Difficulty recognising which behaviours are genuinely yours versus performed.
It can be like working as a waiter: in the kitchen there’s chaos, food everywhere, stress running high. But the second you step through the doors into the restaurant, you’re smiling as though everything is perfect. Doing that once in a while is fine. Doing it every day, everywhere, is draining in a way that sneaks up on you over years.
Different Faces Of Masking
Masking looks different for everyone. For some, it’s discreet — subtle adjustments only close friends might spot. For others, it’s more visible: forcing eye contact, rehearsing conversations, scripting responses, or suppressing natural gestures.
Both are valid. Both can be exhausting in their own ways. For many, masking becomes layered — a complex mix of learned behaviours, societal expectations, and survival strategies that feel essential but invisible.
When Layers Overlap
Masking isn’t shaped by one experience alone. Trauma, ADHD, autism, and other factors can overlap — sometimes compensating for each other, sometimes intensifying the mask.
This means two people with the same label may mask in completely different ways. Your version is no less valid for being different. And sometimes, these overlapping layers can create confusion: you may feel like “the mask is me,” not realising the energy it consumes or the parts of yourself it hides.
From Survival To Strength
Masking doesn’t only come with costs. For some, the adaptations made in childhood — like carefully watching body language to fit in — evolve into strengths later in life.
The very survival strategies that once felt exhausting can become skills, such as:
- Reading people deeply.
- Noticing what goes unsaid.
- Navigating complex social environments with subtlety.
- Managing self-presentation in professional or personal contexts.
Sometimes what begins as survival becomes strength.
The ability to be adaptable, and maintain calm under pressure are all traits which businesses value.
Awareness of these strengths can help reduce self-criticism. The challenge is recognising where the mask is still necessary, and where it is holding you back from authentic connection.
Therapy And Unmasking
Therapy can provide a rare space where the mask can soften. A place where you don’t need to explain every detail, justify your feelings, or keep up a performance.
Unmasking doesn’t have to mean never masking again. Sometimes masks are still useful. It’s about choosing when and where to wear them, instead of them choosing you.
Practical ways therapy supports unmasking:
- Reflecting on which masks are serving you and which aren’t.
- Practising gradual exposure to authentic self-expression.
- Learning to tolerate discomfort when not performing.
- Building safe spaces where your natural behaviours are welcomed.
If masking has been part of your survival, there’s no shame in it. But there’s freedom in knowing: you’re more than the mask, and it’s safe to let it slip sometimes.
We all have multiple versions of ourselves, but sometimes we just need to be.
The process of unmasking is ongoing. It’s not about perfection, nor is it about eliminating all adaptation. It’s about reclaiming choice, recognising strength, and learning to live in a way that honours your authentic self while navigating the world safely.
