Grief in the Holidays
The holidays are often painted as joyful. Family gatherings. Togetherness. Warmth. Twinkling lights. Big dinners. Laughter.
But for many, the season can also be some of the hardest days of the year. An empty chair at the table. Traditions that feel hollow. The ache of someone missing when the world insists you should be merry. The pressure to “perform joy” can make grief feel heavier.
When Christmas feels too heavy, I step back. That’s my self-care, and that’s enough
There are many expectations around the holiday season, but remember: the most important one is that you take care of your own happiness.
Different Kinds Of Holiday Grief
Holiday grief isn’t always about missing someone who has died. It can also stem from:
- Family relationships that have fractured. Tensions can feel amplified during gatherings, or you might notice absence more sharply when everyone else is together.
- Loneliness amplified by festive expectations. Social pressure and comparisons on social media can make disconnection feel deeper.
- The weight of memories that no longer feel like home. Traditions may carry bittersweet associations, reminding us of what has changed or what’s lost.
- Pressure on carers and those with their own struggles. Trying to hold up appearances or manage others’ expectations can leave you depleted.
Grief during the holidays is multifaceted. It doesn’t always come with a single cause or clear resolution — and that’s okay.
What’s Right For You
For some, survival during the holidays means setting boundaries or stepping back from expectations. Others may lean into connection, or create small traditions that feel grounding. There’s no single “right” way to navigate this season.
Some people treat Christmas like a retreat — a quiet pause to recharge. Others find comfort in smaller celebrations: a cup of tea by the window, a walk in the winter air, or a ritual that feels meaningful without requiring grand gestures.
Not everyone marks Christmas in the same way. Some don’t celebrate at all. Some adjust traditions — skipping the turkey, creating new rituals, or honouring the day in a lighter way. Across Europe, some celebrations fall on December 5th or 6th, showing that even culturally, there isn’t a single template.
The pressure comes from the story we’re told about what the holidays “should” look like. But we aren’t cookie-cutter lives, and giving yourself permission to protect your energy isn’t failure — it’s wisdom.
Finding Space For Both
Grief and joy can coexist. It’s okay to laugh, smile, or notice moments of warmth — even if sadness is still present. Therapy can be a space to hold both without guilt, exploring your feelings and navigating tension between expectation and reality.
Grief isn’t an obstacle to joy; it’s part of the landscape of love and memory.
Grief shows how much someone mattered — and that’s okay. At the same time, it’s possible to honour them while continuing to live your life.
You can allow yourself to experience:
- Moments of joy without shame.
- Quiet reflection or retreat without guilt.
- Connection in ways that feel safe rather than performative.
- Love without carrying the weight of expectation.
The “Shoulds” That Don’t Serve You
Holiday grief often comes with a heavy load of “shoulds.”
- You should be over it by now.
- You should join in the celebrations.
- You should be grateful.
- You shouldn’t still feel this way.
But none of these are rules — they are cultural scripts, not measures of your worth or resilience.
You can step back. You can feel joy and sadness side by side. You can honour the day, or let it pass quietly. You can care without carrying guilt. Your way of coping is valid, and it doesn’t have to mirror anyone else’s.
A Human Reminder
The holidays are not one-size-fits-all. They can be heavy, light, joyful, or sorrowful — often all at once. Holding space for yourself, honouring your feelings, and choosing your own pace are acts of self-care. Grief isn’t an interruption to the season; it’s part of your story, and recognising it can help you navigate the holidays with more compassion, awareness, and authenticity.
