The Trap of Should, Would, Could: Releasing the Weight of Expectations
We all carry words in our heads that quietly weigh us down. Three of the heaviest are should, would, and could. On the surface, they seem harmless — but together, they create a constant sense of pressure, regret, or not being enough.
Shoulding on yourself refers to the habit of applying rigid “should” statements to your own life — I should be further ahead, I shouldn’t feel this way, I should always cope better. These thoughts build impossible standards that no one can live up to, fuelling guilt, anxiety, and shame.
Why These Words Could Hurt
Should
Ties us to external expectations — family, culture, or imagined standards.
“I should be further in my career.” “I should feel happier.”
These rules are rarely our own. They often reflect the voices of others rather than our true needs or values.
Would
Keeps us circling regret.
“If I would have done that differently…”
It anchors us in the past, replaying choices that can’t be changed.
Could
Traps us in potential.
“I could have been more successful.”
Instead of seeing what’s still possible, we focus on opportunities missed.
Why “Shoulding on Yourself” Feels So Heavy
- Cognitive distortion: It’s a form of negative thinking — rigid rules built on “should,” “ought,” or “must.”
- Unrealistic expectations: You create an idealised version of yourself that the real you can’t match.
- Inner critic: A constant inner voice judges you for not meeting impossible standards.
- Rooted in lack: These “shoulds” often come from shame or fear of not being enough, not genuine motivation.
This mindset doesn’t inspire change — it keeps you stuck, exhausted, and disconnected from your authentic self.
Shifting the Language
Changing the words we use changes how we feel. Swapping “should,” “would,” or “could” for gentler, more compassionate phrasing creates space to breathe.
Try:
- “I choose to…” instead of “I should…”
- “I did the best I could then…” instead of “I would have…”
- “I can…” instead of “I could have…”
These small shifts loosen the grip of impossible standards and make room for self-acceptance. It’s not about ignoring responsibility — it’s about replacing punishment with perspective.
Practical Ways to Stop “Shoulding” on Yourself
- Notice it: Catch the “should” as soon as it appears. Awareness is the first step.
- Question it: Ask, Whose rule is this? and Does it actually fit my life now?
- Reframe it: Replace “should” with “want,” “need,” or “choose.”
- Be specific: Swap vague guilt for small, doable action. Instead of “I should exercise more,” try “I’ll walk for 20 minutes on Tuesday.”
- Practice self-compassion: You’re human. Progress matters more than perfection.
A Reflection
The next time you catch yourself saying should, would, or could, pause and ask:
- Whose voice is this — mine, or someone else’s?
- Does it help me, or hold me back?
When we let go of those heavy words, we make space for something lighter: choice, presence, and possibility.
