Everything will change – when i get to…
Everything will Change at that point
“I’ll be happy when… …I’ve changed jobs… …I’ve moved… ….things calm down.”
We all do it — that quiet bargain with the future. We imagine there’ll be a perfect moment to start, rest, heal, or finally feel content. Until then, we keep waiting. Planning. Preparing.
Destination fixation — the belief that fulfilment lives somewhere ahead, rather than somewhere within. It’s understandable, even comforting. It gives us direction when life feels uncertain. But it also keeps us in a holding pattern, postponing the present in search of an imagined “when”.
At a glance
- How many times have you told yourself, “I’ll start when…” or “I’ll be happy once…”?
- Perfection and readiness are illusions that keep us waiting for life to begin.
- Therapy helps you see progress not as perfection, but as movement — even small steps count.
- Momentum grows through imperfection; waiting for “ready” is often another form of fear.
- The perfect time isn’t later — it’s whenever you decide to begin, even quietly, even unsure.
The Mirage of the Perfect Time
Life rarely offers the conditions we think we need to begin. There’s always a bill to pay, a task unfinished, a relationship in flux. Yet the mind whispers that after this, things will finally line up.
But “perfect” is a moving target. Each time you get closer, it shifts again — a little higher, a little further. The goalpost moves not because you’ve failed, but because your nervous system equates movement with safety. Stillness feels risky.
Destination fixation is seductive because it feels productive. You’re planning, improving, aiming. But underneath, it can be avoidance in disguise — a way to defer vulnerability, grief, or change until it feels comfortable.
The truth: comfort rarely comes first. Clarity often arrives because we act, not before.
The Myth of Readiness
People often tell themselves they’ll start therapy “when things settle”. But therapy is where things settle. Waiting for the perfect entry point can keep you outside the very process that could help you feel ready.
Readiness isn’t about calmness — it’s about willingness. The moment you can say, “Something needs to shift,” that’s already the beginning.
When we expect readiness to mean confidence, we set an impossible bar. Change is rarely clean or confident; it’s messy, reluctant, and full of hesitation. The courage is in showing up anyway.
Happiness as a Moving Goalpost
We’re taught that happiness is a reward — something earned once we reach the next milestone. School, career, family, success. But that framing turns life into a series of checkpoints instead of an experience.
Therapy sometimes invites a simple but radical question:
“What if happiness isn’t over there? What if it’s here — but hidden under the noise?”
Learning to pause doesn’t mean abandoning ambition. It means recognising that presence is the only place joy actually happens. The destination doesn’t create peace; perspective does.
The Emotional Cost of Waiting
Constant striving carries weight. It tells the nervous system to stay “on” — alert, scanning, rehearsing. Over time, that vigilance becomes exhaustion.
You might notice:
- Feeling guilty during rest because there’s “still more to do”.
- Measuring worth by productivity or progress.
- Anxiety in stillness — as if pausing means falling behind.
The irony is that waiting for the perfect time often steals the very energy that could move us forward. The longer we delay, the heavier starting feels.
Reframing Progress
Therapy reframes progress from outcome to process. It’s less about how far you’ve travelled, more about how honestly you’re travelling.
Instead of asking “Am I there yet?”, try asking:
- “What am I learning about myself on the way?”
- “What small step can I take with the resources I have?”
- “What matters enough to start now, imperfectly?”
Momentum grows not from certainty, but from curiosity.
Mortality as Perspective
Every so often, loss snaps us out of the waiting game. A bereavement, an illness, a change beyond control — suddenly, the future feels fragile. Those moments hurt, but they also strip away illusion. They remind us that “someday” isn’t guaranteed.
Therapy often meets people in that space — when the timeline has collapsed, and what matters most becomes painfully clear. The goal then isn’t to panic, but to live differently: more presently, more truthfully, less deferred.
Mortality doesn’t need to be morbid. It’s the ultimate mindfulness — a reminder that now is the only real destination.
Small Steps, Real Shifts
Breaking destination fixation isn’t about abandoning goals; it’s about anchoring them. The next step doesn’t have to be grand — it just has to be real.
That might mean:
- Starting therapy before you feel “ready”.
- Taking a short walk instead of planning a fitness overhaul.
- Writing one honest paragraph instead of waiting to start the book.
- Saying, “I miss you,” instead of rehearsing the perfect conversation.
Small actions rewire the brain toward agency. They teach you that movement is possible even in imperfection.
Compassion for the Detour
If you’ve spent years waiting, that’s not failure — it’s protection. Your mind was doing what minds do: trying to manage risk. Compassion softens the shame of delay and creates space for change.
Sometimes therapy is simply about forgiving the part of you that waited — and helping the part that’s ready take the next step.
The Perfect Time Is Now
There’s no perfect season for healing. No flawless moment when everything aligns. There’s only this one — imperfect, messy, and alive.
Life doesn’t begin after you’ve earned it.
It’s already happening, quietly, between the milestones.
Start there.
