Empathy Isn’t Pity — or Control

When Empathy Turns Into Pity

Pity sounds caring but quietly creates distance.

It says, “I feel sorry for you,” instead of, “I can imagine how that feels.”

That small shift matters. Pity puts someone below you — the one being rescued, helped, or consoled. Empathy, by contrast, stands beside them. It doesn’t elevate or diminish. It listens, asks, and stays curious.

In practice, empathy might sound like:

• “That sounds heavy — how are you coping with it?”
• “I don’t know exactly what that’s like, but I want to understand.”
• “Would it help to talk about what this brings up for you?”

It’s not about taking their pain on. It’s about being present while they make sense of it.

When Empathy Becomes Control

There’s another misunderstanding that’s harder to name. Sometimes empathy is used as leverage — a way to gain closeness or influence.

You might hear it in phrases like:

• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “I understand you better than you understand yourself.”
• “I’m only saying this because I care.”

Those words can sound empathic, but they carry an undertone of power. Real empathy never takes someone’s agency away. It doesn’t demand gratitude, silence, or agreement. If empathy makes someone smaller, it isn’t empathy — it’s control dressed as care.

This misuse of empathy often shows up in relationships, workplaces, and even in helping professions. Someone may use emotional insight to steer, guilt, or manipulate others while still claiming to be “kind.” But empathy without boundaries can become coercion.

Empathy as a Practice, Not a Feeling

Empathy isn’t something you either have or don’t. It’s a skill — one that can be learned, refined, and practised.

At its core, empathy is about holding space without taking over. That means:

• Listening fully, even when what you hear makes you uncomfortable.
• Resisting the urge to fix, diagnose, or prove you understand.
• Staying grounded in your own feelings while making space for someone else’s.
• Asking questions that open a door, not ones that corner someone into your version of events.

It’s an act of respect, not reaction.

In therapy, this is what containment looks like: a space where emotions can unfold without fear of being judged, mirrored too closely, or absorbed. In the workplace, it’s the difference between a manager who listens to understand and one who listens to reply.

Why Empathy Matters

Empathy builds trust — the kind of trust that makes honesty possible. Without it, communication becomes a performance: people say what feels safe to keep the peace rather than what’s true.

When empathy is genuine:

• Conflicts resolve rather than recycle.
• People feel valued rather than managed.
• Growth happens because the space feels safe enough for discomfort.

And yet, empathy doesn’t mean letting everything slide. Boundaries are part of empathy, not its opposite. Saying “no,” asking for clarity, or stepping back when needed aren’t cold — they’re how safety holds.

Empathy in the Workplace

In professional settings, empathy can transform culture — but only when it’s authentic.

It’s not about “wellbeing campaigns” or corporate hashtags. It’s about how leaders listen, respond, and model humanity in daily decisions.

Empathy at work might mean:

• Checking in when someone’s behaviour changes, rather than assuming disengagement.
• Allowing flexibility for real life — illness, family, neurodivergence, burnout — without shame.
• Encouraging dialogue instead of defensiveness when mistakes happen.

Empathy isn’t a luxury; it’s psychological infrastructure. Without it, people break before systems do.

A Note on Emotional Boundaries

Many people fear that empathy will drain them — especially in caring or leadership roles. But real empathy doesn’t mean absorbing everyone else’s pain. It means being present without merging.

You can care deeply and still protect your energy. You can understand without agreeing. You can hold space without holding the problem.

That’s what sustainable empathy looks like.

A Human Reminder

Empathy isn’t about rescue. It’s about respect.

It’s not a soft skill — it’s a deep skill. One that asks us to slow down, listen harder, and stop centring our own comfort.

The next time someone shares something painful, notice what rises in you: the impulse to fix, to reassure, or to say, “I know exactly what that’s like.” Then pause. Instead, try:

“That sounds really tough — I’d like to understand more.”

That’s empathy in action — not pity, not control, just presence.

And that’s where real connection begins.