Why your feelings can feel “extra” — and how to steady them
Dating, Emotions & Chemistry Biology
Dating stirs powerful emotions. Chemistry, anticipation, the high of a great message, the low of silence. It can feel irrational — until you remember that bodies and brains are part of the story.
Or that you can totally ignore some things in the moment, and then afterwards think – how could i have ever thought.
This isn’t about reducing love to chemicals. It’s about understanding why dating can sweep you up, and how to keep your feet on the ground.
At a glance
- When attraction hits, the brain floods with chemicals that heighten emotion, focus, and reward.
- Hormones can blur perception — making new connections feel intense, urgent, or “meant to be.”
- Understanding your body’s chemistry doesn’t ruin the magic — it steadies it.
- Knowing the science helps you spot patterns like fast attachment, anxiety after intimacy, or the post-date crash.
- Steadiness comes from awareness: pause, breathe, and let time reveal what’s real beyond the dopamine rush.
Why biology matters (but doesn’t decide)
Hormones and neurochemistry shape intensity and timing. They nudge; they don’t dictate character or destiny. When you can name what’s happening inside you, you gain choice. That’s the work of therapy too — turning reactions into responses.
Understanding the body doesn’t kill the magic — it protects it
Knowing how our hormones impact us is great; and it explains why we fall into the honeymoon period too.
Dopamine: anticipation & swipe loop
Dopamine surges with novelty, possibility and reward prediction. A match, a ping, a “we should hang out” — tiny hits that train the brain to keep seeking.
How it shows up:
- Compulsive checking (“just one more look”).
- Feeling flat if nothing follows the spark.
- Overvaluing the chase, undervaluing the reality.
Steadying move: create “check windows” (e.g., 10 mins morning/evening). Let interest grow from data, not dopamine.
Cortisol: uncertainty & the stress spiral
Ambiguity and waiting for an unknown is stressful. Waiting for a reply, mixed signals, ghosting — cortisol can spike like you’re in danger. Even just hearing the phone ping, and you’re on high alert.
How it shows up:
- Overthinking tone and timing.
- “Fixing” anxiety by sending another message.
- Irritability or shutdown after small disappointments.
Steadying move: 90-second rule — notice the surge, breathe low and slow, act after the wave passes.
Oxytocin: bonding & blur
Oxytocin rises with touch, eye contact, emotional safety. It deepens trust — sometimes faster than the rest of you is ready for. It’s known as the love hormone and you really can feel intoxicated and under it’s spell.
How it shows up:
- Fast attachment after intimacy.
- Minimising red flags because you “feel connected.”
- Confusing chemistry with compatibility.
Steadying move: pairs rule — two good conversations + two mundane moments before big decisions.
Serotonin & regulation
Lower serotonin is linked with rumination and mood dips. Early dating can unsettle routines that keep you steady.
Steadying move: protect anchors (sleep, food, daylight, movement) especially on heavy-feeling days.
Norepinephrine & novelty
Early attraction brings focus (“can’t stop thinking about them”). It’s energising — and it narrows attention. It’s why you think wow we both love, cos all you can see is them.
Steadying move: widen your life on purpose (friends, movement, hobbies) so one person isn’t the only source of spark.
Testosterone, oestrogen & nuance
Sex hormones influence desire, confidence and sensitivity to cues — in all bodies, to different degrees. They vary across cycles, age, health and meds.
Steadying move: track your own patterns (energy, desire, sensitivity). Plan dates for windows you tend to feel balanced.
Attachment & the nervous system
Fight/flight/freeze/fawn can appear as:
- Fight: debating, pushing for certainty now.
- Flight: cancelling, ghosting, disappearing.
- Freeze: stuck drafting texts, saying nothing.
- Fawn: people-pleasing to stay “chosen.”
Steadying move: ask, “What state am I in?” Then choose a matching tool (walk, breath, pause, boundary) before you choose a message.
Online adds fuel (and tools)
Apps gamify dopamine and blur pace (fast intimacy, slow certainty). Use them consciously:
- Keep chats on-platform at first; verify before moving.
- Prefer voice/video pre-meet (reality dose).
- Remember: chat chemistry ≠ life chemistry.
Green flags, red flags & What next
So here’s some things to consider:
- Green flags: consistent effort, comfortable pace, respect for “no,” boring-but-kind moments, alignment on basics.
- Red flags: urgency that ignores your pace, boundary pushback, mixed words/actions, money asks, secrecy about identity.
Aftercare is part of dating
Post-date: decompress, write three facts (not vibes), check your body signals (tense/open? tired/energised?). Decide tomorrow.
When it’s heavy
If dating triggers old wounds (rejection, shame, trauma), therapy can help you pace, boundary, and repair. Biology sets the weather; you still choose the route.
Knowing the chemistry behind the feelings won’t make them smaller — it makes you steadier. Keep the spark. Add a map.
