Pronouns are how we talk about each other, but they’re really about how we listen.
Small words which do heavy lifting
Pronouns are small words that do a lot of heavy lifting. They’re how we talk about each other when we’re not using names — the bridge between how we see ourselves and how we’re seen.
Most people never have to think about theirs. But for others, pronouns are more than grammar; they’re shorthand for recognition. When someone uses your pronouns correctly, it says, I see you the way you see yourself. That’s why this piece sits right between Gender Identity and Gender Expression — because pronouns live in that in-between space, translating inner truth into shared language.
At a glance
- Pronouns bridge gender identity and expression — they’re how we describe and affirm who we are.
- Using someone’s pronouns correctly isn’t about politics; it’s about respect and recognition.
- Asking when unsure shows care, not awkwardness — it’s connection, not correction.
- Pronouns can evolve over time; they reflect growth, not confusion.
- Therapy can help unpack what language feels most congruent — and how to communicate it with confidence.
Why pronouns matter
Getting someone’s pronouns right isn’t political correctness; it’s accuracy and empathy. It’s one of the simplest ways to respect who a person knows themselves to be. For people whose gender identity doesn’t match what others might assume, hearing the right pronoun can mean relief — a small but powerful sign of safety.
Even when identity feels straightforward, the way we use language shapes connection. A simple he, she, or they used correctly can make the difference between tension and ease.
Getting someone’s pronouns right isn’t correctness — it’s care.
It says, “I see you the way you see yourself.”
Leading by example
I use he/him/his, and I include those pronouns in my email signature. It’s not a badge; it’s clarity. It saves people from guessing, and it normalises sharing pronouns without forcing anyone else to.
I also include them as an invitation. It quietly says, If pronouns matter to you, it’s safe to talk about them here. I’m not starting a political discussion — I’m opening a human one.
Within the gay community, I’m also comfortable when someone playfully uses she/her. In that context, it’s affection, not offence — a wink, not a challenge. But that’s about relationship and tone. Outside that space, it wouldn’t land the same way. Context always matters.
When you’re unsure
If you’re uncertain about someone’s pronouns, it’s perfectly okay to ask — just like when you meet someone called Charlie, Alex, or Sam and you’re not sure which pronouns they use. It’s not rude; it’s thoughtful. A simple, “Can I ask what pronouns you use?” shows care rather than assumption.
And if you’re uncomfortable or worried about slipping up, there’s an easy get-out-of-jail-free card: use their name instead. It’s respectful, natural, and buys you time to reset. The aim isn’t to avoid pronouns forever; it’s to keep communication comfortable until you’re confident.
When mistakes happen
Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. The key is to correct yourself briefly, apologise once if needed, and carry on. Over-apologising can make the other person have to comfort you, which defeats the purpose.
The goal isn’t perfection — it’s care. Language takes practice, and intent matters more than flawless recall.
Pronouns in therapy
In therapy, pronouns can be the first moment of trust. Asking and using them correctly says, “You can bring your whole self here.” For clients exploring gender, it can be part of finding language that finally fits.
But pronouns come up in other ways too. Within LGBTQ+ culture, shifting pronouns can sometimes be playful or expressive rather than declarative. A therapist’s job is to stay curious, not corrective — to understand what that language means for that person, in that context.
Therapy doesn’t fix identity; it gives it room to breathe.
Living language, not new grammar
Despite what grammar purists sometimes claim, they/them as a singular pronoun isn’t modern invention — it’s restoration. In Old and Middle English, third-person forms were used whenever gender was unknown or irrelevant. It was modern English that narrowed into binary rules. Using they today isn’t breaking the language; it’s returning it to how it used to flow — flexible, inclusive, and practical.
Language changes because we do. As people have found more ways to describe their experience, new pronouns have appeared — ze, xe, fae, ey — and others choose no pronoun at all. It’s not chaos; it’s evolution.
Pronouns aren’t ideology — they’re conversation.
They help us meet in the space between identity and expression.
The respectful middle ground
Some people are certain about their pronouns; others are still working them out. Either way, the respectful path is the same: ask, listen, and use what’s offered. No assumptions, no panic.
Pronouns aren’t ideology — they’re conversation. They sit quietly between identity and expression, helping both sides understand each other just a little better.
