Understanding the Experience, the Impact, and the Shame That Follows
What is Sexual Abuse?
Sexual abuse isn’t defined by force alone. It is any sexual contact, pressure, or involvement you did not or could not consent to — regardless of age, gender, relationship, or circumstance.
It can happen in childhood, in adolescence, or in adulthood. It can happen in long-term relationships, friendships, families, care settings, schools, religious environments, queer community spaces, or in casual encounters.
For many people, naming what happened takes years. Not because the memory is unclear — but because the meaning was never safe to hold.
At a glance
- Abuse is about power, not desire.
- Shame belongs to the person who caused harm, not the person who lived it.
- The effects can be emotional, psychological, relational, and physical.
- You can speak slowly, in your own time.
- You do not need to report to access support.
Shame Is the First Language of Sexual Abuse
Shame often appears before words do.
It says:
- “I should have known.”
- “I should have stopped it.”
- “It must have meant something about me.”
- “I didn’t fight. Maybe I agreed.”
- “I went back. Maybe it wasn’t abuse.”
- “Nobody will believe me.”
Shame is what settles where words were never allowed to land.
In therapy though, your words and experiences are allowed, and they’ll be heard and explored, at your own pace.
Shame does not mean you did something wrong. Shame shows you were left alone with something no one should have had to hold by themselves.
For LGBTQ+ Survivors
Many queer survivors also carry:
- fear of confirming stereotypes
- worry that the abuse will be interpreted as “proof” their identity is wrong
- confusion or silence when the perpetrator is of the same gender
- pressure to “protect the community” by not speaking
If any part of this feels familiar: You are not confused. You are remembering something you were not safe to name.
For Male Survivors
Men are often taught that wanting sex is automatic, inevitable, or constant. So when harm happens, the silence can feel even heavier.
Arousal under pressure is not consent. Enduring something is not consent. Silence is not consent. You are not weak. You had to survive with no space to speak.
For Anyone Who Was a Child or Teen at the Time
Children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults. There is no nuance here. If you were a child, someone used your trust, attachment, or need for belonging as leverage. Your brain did what it needed to do to stay safe. That was survival — not agreement.
How the Impact Lives in the Body
Sexual abuse can influence:
- how safe touch feels
- how easy or difficult saying “no” is
- comfort with intimacy or emotional closeness
- the ability to trust desire
- the way you see yourself and your story
Hypervigilance, shutdown, avoidance, or compulsive seeking are responses, not faults. Your body is trying to keep you alive.
Your body is not broken. Your body remembers.
Your subconscious holds what your voice couldn’t say at the time. It shows up in tension, in flinching, in shutting down, in not being able to relax — not because you are failing, but because your body learned how to protect you.
Reporting (UK)
You do not have to report to the police in order to be believed or supported. If you do choose to report:
- you can request a specially trained officer
- you can take someone with you
- you can give a statement and decide later whether to proceed
- you can withdraw at any point
Historic vs Current Abuse: Your Pace and Your Safety
There is an important difference between speaking about historic abuse (abuse that happened in the past) and current abuse (harm that is happening now).
Historic Abuse
If what happened took place in childhood, adolescence, or earlier in your life, you are not required to report it. You can:
- speak about it slowly
- explore it in therapy at your own pace
- name it without having to act on it
You remain in control of your story. There is no pressure to confront, disclose, or report. You are allowed simply to understand what happened to you.
Current Abuse
If harm is happening now, the situation is different. If someone is currently at risk — including you — then I have an ethical and legal duty to respond with safety in mind. This does not mean forcing a report. It means we:
- talk about what’s happening
- plan carefully
- consider options together
- prioritise your safety and wellbeing
You are included in every step. You are not handed over to a system. The difference here is risk, not pressure.
This decision is yours. Therapy can help you think it through without pressure.
How Therapy Helps
You do not have to tell the whole story. You do not have to speak in detail. You do not have to say more than you are ready for.
Historic abuse is something we explore. Current abuse is something we protect you through. Either way, you do not have to do it alone or all at once.
Therapy focuses on:
- reducing shame
- rebuilding trust in yourself
- allowing the body to feel safe again, slowly
- reclaiming boundaries and choice
- reconnecting with sexuality and intimacy (if and when you choose)
We go slowly. You remain in control.
What happened was real
What happened was real. Even if others dismissed it. Even if you have doubted yourself more times than you can count. You survived something you should never have had to survive.
We go at the pace your body sets — not the pace of the story.
A Note on Safe Spaces Therapy Online
I work with both current and historic experiences of sexual abuse, including long-delayed disclosure. My approach is trauma-aware, informed by NAPAC guidance, and grounded in steady, contained work. Graphic detail is never required. Your pace is the pace.
